For me, my early memories of being a sexual human being was quite literally being under my covers in my bed with a bunch of pillows on top (so no one could hear the vibrations), watching some porn on the lowest volume possible.
I never told anyone about it because I knew it was… BAD (or at least it was bad to talk about).
Masturbating was helping me learn about my body: about what felt good, about learning what I liked and what I didn’t like.
Watching porn and finding out what kind of porn I liked was part of that discovery process. Unfortunately that was never discussed. So for a long time I had a very warped idea that porn and sex were the same thing instead of seeing it in the same way we see Hollywood movies: staged and not real life.
And I just didn’t have that kind of education! I would watch aggressive porn and think “oh, I want to do that,” and even though it’s something you can do, it takes a couple steps to get there and a bit more maturity and knowledge about certain things.
But I did it anyway. I knew it was fun.
I knew it felt good
It’s really hard to find porn from a female or intimate gaze (or generally high quality porn is hard to find that’s well made), so it’s easy to get a warped idea of what sex is from it. For me, sex was associated with intimacy but with porn there was no intimacy… maybe a few moments sprinkled around here and there but never at the core. So I had lots of ideas that didn’t come together for a long time.
it is more than a variety of sexual activities that range from role-playing, dominance and submission, restraints and a variety of other sexual behaviors.
The practice of BDSM is so inspiring in and of itself. Not what people think BDSM is but what it actually is. It’s not rough sex, it’s not random hookups with “doms” who lie about their experience, it’s not sex parties where everyone is dressed up in leather and latex. It’s those shared moments of intimacy when one person gives their trust to another to make something magical happen. It’s being able to manifest a part of yourself that could be dominant, submissive, sadistic, or masochistic in a way that makes you feel whole. It’s being able to challenge your physical and emotional limits in order to realize how strong you truly are. BDSM empowers me because it allows me to experience the vast spectrum of who I am. I wouldn’t be me without BDSM. I will always crave power exchange, pain, and pleasure, and being able to pursue those things with people that I trust is one of the most empowering things ever.
Coming into my own as a submissive has completely changed the way I walk through the world. I am more confident and I command more power because I have experienced complete powerlessness both nonconsensually and at my own request. Now that I am able to engage in that consensual power exchange on a regular basis, I relish in the moments where I do have my power because I know how precious it is. I also think people often equate submission to being humiliated, degraded, and physically hurt all the time. While these are fetishes that fall within the realm of BDSM, these kinks don’t have to mean submission.
Dominance and submission is purely about power exchange.
Submission can be as simple as drawing a bath for someone or giving them a kiss. Submission is anything that you want it to be. There are many people out there, many 2nd Wave feminists and many SWERFs (Sex Work Exclusionary Radical Feminists) who think that submission is inherently un-feminist, however I argue that it is all about choice. I am able to make the decision to give up my power for a negotiated period of time because of the hard work and sacrifices that people like Gloria Steinem, Ruth Bader Ginsburg, and Betty Friedan made before me. They granted me the power of choice and what I choose to do with that freedom doesn’t make me any more or less of a feminist.
I do BDSM and kink and I have recently made the decision to bring that into the public sphere.
my body my choice, right?
I face backlash from the elder generation especially. It’s not really in a "shaming" way but more so not understanding. My mom, for example, sees sex as something that is very private and personal, and for me, that’s not who I am sexually. For me, spreading the awareness of enjoying sex is empowering and sexy to me and makes me feel good about myself.
I think that it is so important to be self aware and it’s important from time to time to pause and take a step back and look into yourself and go over why are you doing what you’re doing- are you doing it for yourself, for others? To help other people? Is it something that you believe is important and good? If you ask yourself those questions and you get the answers that are honest to you and that feel right, then you can go forth and have that self reassurance. Because while it’s nice to get validation from other people in your life, ultimately it has to come from yourself and it has to be something that’s personal because people will always come and go but you’ve got you for the rest of your life.
Interested in exploring BDSM?!
Cory teaches monthly classes geared towards beginners! You can stay up to date with all of her work by following her on Instagram (@misscoryb) and Twitter (@miss_coryb).